Who I Am and Who I Am Not

Trusting. No more analyzing. Letting go and letting God. 

No more bitterness. No more being secretly mad at someone.

I’m accepting that God has a job for me. I’m accepting that there are challenges and some unfair parts of being a leader. I will trust that God has something for me and I will wait on His timing. It’s hard; I want what seems like a good thing, and I want it now. But I’ve realized how greedy and needy that makes me sound. That’s not who I want to be.

I don’t want to be the girl who looks shallow and fake and insecure. I don’t want to be the girl who’s cocky and obnoxious and over-analytical. I also don’t want to be the girl who talks about these girls. I don’t want to be the girl who’s too busy to have any fun, who’s too nervous to relax, who’s too busy to live life. I don’t wanna be the girl who puts on a show and is a hypocrite and a complainer. I am not these girls.

I want to be the girl who smiles all the time, even when she’s hurting. I want to be the girl who knows how to light up a room without trying. I want to be the girl whose love for God is contagious. I want to be the girl that people aspire to be like. I want to be the girl who can trust and love and give unconditionally. I want my life to speak for itself. I want people to know I care, really care. I want to be the girl who gets lost in God’s presence and cries for the lost. I want to be a girl of compassion and grace and faithfulness. I want to make others breathe easier because they know I’m there. I want to be the girl who has amazing God stories of healing and deliverance and redemption. I want to be the girl who refuses to deem anything worthless and a lost cause. I want to be the girl who gives everyone a fair chance. I want to be the girl who is filled with knowledge and wisdom and freely gives good advice. I truly want to be a girl who makes the world a better place, who stood for God and on the side of justice and mercy no matter what the cost.

I know that with these desires comes a lot of work. I know that there will be lonely times, lonely years. I know that tests are coming. I say: Bring it on. Woah, that makes me sound brave. Well, through God’s power, I can be confident that He will keep me. So Lord, I want to be used by You. I accept whatever comes along with that statement. Through the good and bad, through the times of sorrow and joy, through depressions and raises, through pain and healing, through heartbreaks and love... I am Yours. I say YES to Your will, toward whatever path you would have for me. I promise to try my hardest to rest in You alone, and in what You have for me. Help me and hear me. See my heart and know I mean it with all I have inside of me. I love you God and am asking you to do whatever is necessary to make me into “that girl”.